AIB - Ain't It Bakwas? *

* Warning - If you have a poor sense of humour and/or are allergic to fun and/or intolerant of someone's personal view then please do not read any further. Shut your senses and exit this blog immediately. The author is not responsible for your state of mind in case you proceed further to read at your own risk. 

What is this Crane Bedi up to? Why is she making a name for herself as “Crying” Bedi? Does she think she is on some TV reality show where people will SMS votes for her to win?

I don’t know Sir. She said she got emotionally carried away.

Emotion! Do you know what people on the streets of Delhi are saying? They are saying that she is crying because the pre poll results are showing that this Muffler-man’s party will win the State elections; and she isnow feeling regret that if we lose, then she will have to take the blame forour defeat. 

Sir; but is that not why we took her in the Party in the first place; despite her talking so badly about you when she was on that Jhadoowalla’s side?

No, no, not true that we took her to be the fall guy. “Areee baba” it was our strategy to take away their “jhadoo”, “imlee” and anything or anyone that was important for that party and made it our own. I am surprised that not only has it made a comeback, but is getting support from like minded leftists? Now our “Beti Bachao – Beti Padhao” yojana is sounding more like “Bedi Bachao – Bedi Jeetao” yojna. Hey Ram! What does Shameitbhai have to say about all this?

Ha! Ha! Ha! Sir, so clever of you; you are so up to date about our Gujarat brand ambassador’s new film.  Sir, I was informed that he has everything under control and the media has got the verdict wrong; he will make sure of it.

See; he is the political version of Shamitabh - may the force be with him.

Which force Sir?

Idiot! The Axe men force.  Don’t you remember Madison Square Garden? That man Huge Jakeman -superstar – Hollywood – hero of Axe Men - the person the crowd came to see actually?

Yes, Yes, Yes Sir. I remember now. What a crowd. That too in New York Sir. We did not even have to offer free “chai” like in the elections. You were looking like a film star yourself Sir. Exactly like Kulbushan Kharbanda with a beard. Those were such nice “Acche Din”

Idiot! The promised Acche Din have yet to come. Until now it was only a trailer; “Picture abhi baaki hai mere dost”. Picture “se yaad aya” how are my selfie booths coming along?

Oh fabulously Sir. Most of our “karyakartas” in Delhi have diverted the funds allocated for the construction of public toilets under your world famous “Swaach Bharat Abhiyan” for erecting your selfie booths. We may not succeed in putting a toilet in every house; but every house owner wants his picture with you.

I know I am popular; but so popular? Amazing!

Not really Sir. Everyone in Delhi wants to carry a picture of you so that they can show it to the traffic cop when stopped - and tell the cop “Tu janta nahin mein kaun hoon – bilkul top tak pauch hai meri”.

These “Delhiwallas”; their mind and thinking has got so polluted breathing this polluted air and drinking this polluted water that I can think of cleaning up “Gangaji” but not them. Sometimes I feel they deserve that anarchist or even that dopey headed mama’s boy to govern them. If I have my way the Capital of India would be shifted overnight to the land of Bapu and Patel; the true architects of our Nation. Yes, I will make Gandhinagar GIFT City a smart, well planned, world class Capital that can rival Singapore or Dubai. We will make Dholera airport better than Dubai and connect it by super high speed train funded by the Japanese and Chinese to Gandhinagar, Ahmedabad and Vadodra. With an International Financial Centre people will forget even that Mumbai which is falling apart anyway. I must tell Jet Lee to plan bringing down Income Tax in the new Capital to the same level as Dubai. Aaah! Just saying this I can breathe in a bit of Gujarat.

Sir, Dubai has no Income Tax and why such a special preference?

You really are a duffer. If there is no income tax then there is no black and white you idiot. “Ab samjha”. All “laen-daen” will be legit then. The Capital will be the corruption free.

You are a genius Sir.

Did you doubt that? Didn’t you see how I got my friend Osama to sign the “noclear” agreement?

Obama Sir, Obama. And it’s Nuclear Sir. Incidentally everyone is saying that the agreement really means nothing as the elections in 2016 will probably go the Republican way.

“Mujh ko sikatha hai?” If he can twist my name – why can’t I? And I mean it when I say it is a no-clear agreement. If it was a real “Nuclear” agreement would he have signed it? Now; the Australians will have no objection in selling us fuel; Russia will not bully us on oil; and China will support us in many other ways. China “se yaad aya” I need a new suit that has my name written in Chinese for my upcoming visit.

Sir, the last suit attracted a lot of flak in the fashion media and a lot of people have started calling you an unfashionable narcissist megalomaniac, and that the suit was a huge waste of public money.

Remember dogs will bark and elephants will still walk. First; I have started a fashion trend. Just see, despite all the talk, how many will imitate my suit within weeks – specially those coming to Delhi to see me. Second; no one in the world who sees that picture with my personalized suit will forget my face or name; specially those silly Americans who think my name is “Nemo”. Third; my suit looked so much richer than the plain grey suit of that Osama..Obama “job hi thaa”. It was our Republic Day and I wanted all press and media attention on me and not on the President of any Nation including ours – which I got. Now I want one in Chinese so that people in China too can say my name correctly. I read the Argentinean President’s tweet - they switch the “r” with “l” and that can sound pretty embarrassing – if you can figure out what I mean.

Yes Sir, You make good points Sir. You really think ahead.

Ha! Ha! Ha! Yes. The only thing I did not think of was serving our foreign guests “bhaang” when they were here. They would have enjoyed it more than that expensive putrefied grape and grain juice that they call wine and whisky. With America legalizing marijuana;  “bhaang” could well become their national drink. Maybe that cola company now also selling milk that has a name like a fairness cream should not have a problem adopting this idea. Can you think of a better way of increasing our agro exports and making everyone in the world happy?

I will make a note of it Sir. But Sir; are you not promoting drug addiction?

Alcohol, cigarettes, soft drinks, fast food; are they all not drugs in some form or the other? “Bhaang” drinking is in our culture.

Yes Sir, totally agree; and so is Kama Sutra and use of foul words as tools of grammar in most of our languages. In fact Punjabis would not know how to complete a sentence without a swear word. And yet Sir, we have blown the AIB roast matter out of all proportion on grounds that it is against our culture.

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Silly man! Why do I even have you around me? Tell me what is going on in Delhi? Elections – right? How do we divert the nation from paying attention to what our rivals are saying? Easy; “Roast” AIB. With all the print and electronic media coverage it has got; it has become a larger national debate than what is going on in the Country; especially with the young voting class that actually goes out to vote. Now let’s arrange a live performance of that AIB Roast in the Parliament for all the MPs. It will be fun to see who gets knocked out. Can you picture Karan - Arjun with Ranveer taking a selfie with me? I have something more than chai brewing in my mind.

I think I know what it is - what an idea Sirji.